Null

cih. end up to null all the things that i schedule for Thursday to Sunday. Sad? Yes. Regret? No.
Family matter comes first. Whatever people say about focusing on studying, the answer is I CAN'T. I try my hardest to forget everything. But, i end up wake up til morning. Well sorry for disappointing the event which will held on this Thursday. I'm sorry. Even if i'm going with you, i can't focus, my mind will be flying to Jakarta. Sigh. Tell me how to control my mind so i still able to focus on doing my job! Hey storm, you stick to me, much better than the glue does.

blood-tie

once i was such a stubborn, tough-minded, and heartless towards my family. everything changes while my mom fell ill and it was like a thunder punch for me. i realize how important my family is. then another obstacle comes alternated to my life but thanks to Jesus because the faith that i have for Him saved me, my mom and all the obstacles for almost half of my age now.

although in my last post i talked about disappointment of believing on someone it doesn't include my family member. because this close blood-tie means everything to me. you know, you could chose with who you want to spend your rest life with, you choose with who you wanna share the pain, secret and happiness with but you could not choose the family you want. it is destiny. and i'm so glad i have parent who love me with their whole life. and because my parent i also love my siblings as much as i love my parent, as much as i love my self. so my sibling and my parent pain is also my pain.

today i heard such a bad news from my parent that my lil brother doesn't pass the university entrance exam to my campus. they told me to call my brother and comfort him. i couldn't call him, he switch off all his numbers. then in the minutes later he called me with his new number which i haven't saved his new number. He cried so much, he scream and said many despair words. he is such a naughty boy, he always makes my parent and me worry about his academic for many times. i think maybe this is the most difficult slap on his face from God for him. but. i can't bear it. i can't stand hearing his sobs and his desperation. i really wanna fly right away to Jakarta to hug him, to cheer him up. but i couldn't. at that time i also felt guilty and even now times shows 4:34 am and i still couldn't sleep a wink. thinking of him, his desperation. this is really killing me.

you know, this blood-tie really chain your heart one another. even when you are having fight between siblings, the harsh words come out from our mouth, but once you see your family member kneel down to distress you will fall to the ground too. and now, i'm such a helpless sister who can't give advise as an elder. i love my family, mom dad lil brother lil sister, with my whole heart. and now i'm asking life: Why you are so cruel?

believing. disappointment. contrary.

speaking of relationship, in one serial, they said, ''in relationship the most important thing is believing, so you must trust on him/her". then how could i dare enough to open my mind for welcoming stranger to my life and compare it to how much hurt i get cause of disappointment of believing on someone?

i don't know either me, who are too sensitive recently or that is how the world going? i've seen many disappointment of believing, i've tasted the feeling of rejected, alone. i've told myself that eventhough there are many examples of bad things nonetheless there will be a good thing appear and recover everything. I've watched many films and i even feel annoy when the lead character having too complicated taught and see everything in bad ways or we could say too negative thinking. but i can't help it.

in some meeting there is one senior asked me why do i still single till now? that question is quite shocking. ha! i've said many times that i'm not interested on having an affair with someone right now. but. maybe the fact is i'm too afraid to trust. can somebody help me how could i trust on someone in the condition i see and feel many rejection and i know how the fake smile is usually your habit and people around you habit?

how could you tell me to change myself if there isn't anyone who can show me how to smile cause i almost forget when is the last time i smile and laugh freely? you can say i'm too much whining but i can brave enough to say, 'don't disturb me cause i don't believe in you, who are you?' haha i assume there will be many people hate me while reading this writes. people, you can assume you can argue with your own way of thinking and so do i and this is what i think right now. it may be for a long time or short time depend on how my life remain later, but i still believe what Jesus said on Bible: all will be beautiful IN it's time. the reason why i don't give up yet in this life, i have faith to Jesus and the rest will be Him who point my journey.